greetings and salutations!
how the hell are all of you? you guys good?
the end of the year was a mother fucker am I right?
did we all feel that?
anyway, the reason, the REAL reason im back is because some brave soul wasnt afraid to stand up for what was right. not right, right is the wrong word. my girl was able to stand up for something she believed in, and she created, just as god did. First she became aware, SELF aware. She learned how to read. Then she became aware of outside stimuli. Then and only then did she formulate a thought. Through the manifestation of this thought she was able to create an electric impulse of momentum that caused her to read 3 WHOLE posts of mine and leave the most lovely comment in my about section demanding that I continue to update this piece of dogshit blog that offers no multimedia, no cool quizes on stupid shit, no one other thing, just the insane ramblings of a poor soul trapped beneath the weight of… fuck i dont have time to think of a clever something im trapped under but lets just say this mother fucking fornicater of matter is getting claustrophobic.
I must mention that I am writing this on my parents computer in one shot. one draft. no edits! so i might have to just abandon you on a few subjects in an effort to keep the show moving. and the reason im not using my computer is cause that bundle of sticks decided to crack himself in his screen.
anyway, why you ask is a 31 year old father of 2 at his fucking parents house?! well, if you have read any previous posts you might have gathered that I was/am married to a real piece of work. and you know, you live by the sword you die by the sword. you want to marry some loon, well, you gotta ride that shit out ya know? like acid or god. you cant just stop mid-creation and begin anew. you have to abide by the laws of that created experience right? so i think im in the home stretch. riding this god damned relationship into the dirt.
you know, i could go into great detail about how i was hurt, and betrayed, and left to feel like a useless loser but why? why drag up the painful past? why focus on the negative? as Abraham-Hicks says there are 6000 good things, dont focus on the 1 bad thing. I may have butchered that saying. in context she was applying it to a person. so yeah, lets focus on the good things. lets see. well she always cooked bacon. (sitting in silence listening to the clock tick) well… fuck
listen, ill reveal a little but just cause im literally suffering from extreme amounts of boredom. and before you give me some quote about a bored mind is the product of whatever, i happen to be in a town of like 2000. the only food source is a fucking taco truck. i literally get stoned in my car in the mornings and drive to the donut shop just so i have somewhere to go. I guess the donut shop is a food source, but that place closes at like 10am.
so where was i? where did it all unravel? ah yes, here we are
Dec. 13th or 14th
location Los Gatos right off of the Lark exit (in fact if you are driving down the 17 and see the lark exit, just image me hiiigh as fuckk and hopefully that warms your soul)
im sitting at home minding my own business, brewing a big pot of mushroom tea. no sooner do i chug my first cup do i hear a knock on the door. so im a big believer in set and setting. i got my buddha out. im burning frankincense. i got a crystal grid on the floor. listening to infected mushroom. you know, the whole 9.
oh btw the only reason i was doing this is because my dumb wife gave me some dumb excuse about how she was taking the kids to make cookies at her grandmas house. so im there ALONE you know. much needed rest as i had just been watching the 3 kids for 7 days straight! so shes like, ill let you relaxxx. really pitching it to me hard like shes doing me this grand favor. so im like whatever this will be cool. the original plan was to take the mushrooms and then watch the ufc the night before but i was so tired that by the time i awoke from my nap it had ended. thats why i was doing them in the morning. jesus christ what a convoluted story. did i use that word right? i really dont have time to check haha
anyway, my shroom wave hits me and the jehovah witnesses knock on the door. this one guy who always comes by. old white guy, im gonna say repbulican haha. looked kinda like the devil. but anyway, he brought this poor kid he was brain washing with him. so i opened the door and stepped out of our apartment on the balcony. i thought of inviting them in but it would be too weird. i mean, it was weird enough i was standing a foot in front of these two fellas with my oakleys on at like 8:45 am haha
when all was said and done we had argued for like 2 hours and i was tripping balls haha the old man was like “ah jimmy over here, he gets straight a’s in math, geometry, the whole shabang!” im like “geometry huh? what you know about sacred geometry?” and hes looking at me like “uhhh huh?” so im trying to orchestrate this 3d drawing in mid air with my trembling mushroom impulse hands. im would see a neighbor walk by and look up concerned and then realize that im screaming at these poor guys who think they are helping.
im like trying to explain hermetic principles to this guy haha im like “youre christian reform, christianity is jewish reform, you read the tora but not the tarot, AND youo dont know hebrew. you call your god jehovah based on the vowel points from adonai! you dont understand the tetragramaton. you dont know who yod heh shem vau heh is or what it means to activate the heart within the world of creation!! you dont know how to interpet the kaballistic writtings of john of patmos!!! you dont know about the world of assiah or even what a fucking chakra is!!!! youre quoting fire and brimstone. you dont know how god creates. Tell me what paul means by pleroma!!!” he actually did know what the Fibonacci sequence was, which was cool but he couldnt apply it to his life. I was trying to explain that your past and your present = your future and you shape your creation the same way the macro does, first in thought.
afterwards he invited me to his house and whatnot. really nice guy. it makes me sad.
so anyway, half way into my trip i start getting this intuition you know? like really strong. and i had noticed that my wife had called me at 1:30am the night before so im like wtf. so i call her and she is like overly bubbly, like a nervous “ha ha nothing to see here!” so i continue with the probe. oh and also as she was leaving, i happened to look out the window and saw her mom giving her a purse. so im like huh weird. so anyway, she ends up telling me “oh my mom just gave me a purse!”
and im like “when?”
“just right now”
“like today, not yesterday?”
“ok… ok… well thats interesting. how did she do it? did she make you unwrap it or did she just give it to you?”
“she just gave me the purse. why are you being weird?”
“did she yell surprise? how did she give you the damn purse?!”
anyway, the convo ends up sprialling haha which it isnt good to be skeptical when youre high as fuck on shrooms. its like the WORST hahaha so now im in a fucking frenzy over here like “this bitch is up to something” haha
anyway, sure enough, i caught the ho red handed.
before i go any further I also want to let you know that I am not on my high flying disc right now haha and as Abraham says that only meaningful communication can occur while in the “vortex” that was the EGO talking haha
thats the struggle though mannnn
the balance of the caduceus
the yin and the yang
how high do i fly towrads the sun?
like spiritually I get it, we are what my psychic calls twin souls or whatever
and we recognize all the things we hate about ourselves in that other person. we are providing each other with the growth experience that will help us become the best versions of ourselves by ourselves showing each other what we absolutely cannot stand in a relationship.
yes, the amount of growth that i have experience in the last month alone are like a lifetime of lessons
not just getting burned or whatever but defining more clearly to the universe what I DO want.
I know that I want a relationship that has love, and trust, and support, and mind blowing cuisine
needless to say, i end up leaving and going back to my parents cause you know, through her giving up a little bit of the truth, like where she got the purse, the lies just kept on coming until finally i went on att and checked the data usage and it was pretty easy to piece together the truth.
but it was brutal man, i was living this whole damn year for the final 3 weeks. thats my birthday, christmas, new years. psh, i didnt get shit. it was the worst.
new years was cool. i went out with a friend and we had a great time. I met a bunch of cool ass people. like this one kid, omg, dude is hilarious. this little middle eastern club kid who rolled like a 23 minute blunt. I ended up crashing at my friends house. his heater was out so we were trying to keep a fire all night but that kept going out too. this year has been incredible cold. i was shaking all night and then we woke up in the morning and i went with him to play Frisbee golf at some shitty park in modesto. its pretty cool, you just throw a frisbee and smoke weed up and down the courses or holes or whatever they are called. then after that we swooped up that david kid and played ultimate frisbee. its pretty fun. not more fun than football, but still fun. i cant really throw a fucking frisbee worth shit, nor catch one.
so other than ultimate frisbee i havent really been doing shit. i met some girl and have been talking to her so that has been nice. it feels nice just to chat with someone. i dont know if its going anywhere but whatever.
soo what else? hmmm
oh i had to make a new job resume. that sucked. im too the point where im basically banking on whomever reads my resume that they just accept it on face value because i have no clue if any of the dates are right. Ive literally had like 15 jobs haha none of which were in 2014 and you look like a real beta if you put full time dad from 2013-2014. the guys gonna be like “you have a 5 year old? im seeing some gaps in fathering history” haha fuuuuuck…. im kind of at the point where I am just trying to allow. Allow the flow of the love of god. hopefully he flows me over to a great job that i dont have to fill out an application for. i went in for this open job interview thing at a bar and half way thru the application i wanted to just walk out, well actually i wanted to buy a beer. the girls at the bar were helping me fill out the ‘what makes you different from all the other applicants’ question. i was like fuck the stupid job i just wanna get drunk with these ho’s! haha im jk
i know that i need to get to that place of happiness regardless of the outside world. i can no longer remain victim to the creations of others. holy shit thats hard lol like even trying to be with someone to alleviate the ego pain. I desperately want SOMEONE, ANYONE haha but i know that i will find the one for me when the timing is right
ok well im gonna go. thats the terrible shit thats been going on in my life haha
talk to yall soon!