thinking big

well holy shit i thought this day would never come and yet here it is
in all of its glorious thunderous downpouring of rain
the same torrential downpour that soaked the shit out of me on my 10 minute walk/gay joggish run thingy home

what is this event you ask?
i got my mother fucking license back
they tried to hold me back
those mother fuckers didnt want me on their streets but i’m back!!

the dmv is only like a block away from where i live
and the walk there flew by
but then the skies opened up right as i was guessing the answers to my driving test
and by the time they turned me out there was marble sized rain drops spurting down on my best dmv picture taking shirt
but it was too glorious of a moment
i skipped home in my carolina boots through the flooded streets

i think ive spent roughly 85% of my driving career driving on a suspended license
in fact i got like 3 driving on a suspended license tickets in the last 2 years
none in the past year thank god

but anyway, the way i got this one that i just took care of
this was literally out of my control
some disgusting demon disguised as an extremely overweight CHP officer was just doing his job
but the way they got their shit set up, the chp, i find a high amount unethical behavior going on, ya know?
well i suppose you don’t know, so i just give you a small example of what i’m talking about

there i am
driving thru this small shitty town just east of my shitty town
i’m on my way to court, in fact
unbeknownst to me, on my way to court to have my public defender successfully harrang the youngish looking asian DA to drop my dui charges on the grounds that they didnt try me within a year
but like i said, this is all still unbeknownst to me at this time
where was i
ah yes
there i am
driving thru this small shitty town
driving a shittish car that i’m borrowing from my parents
unfortunately for me there was no cd player or auxiliary cable in this car
so i’m just kind of holding my phone up to my ear so i can hear whatever music i was listening to
i think it was johnny craig
i know it was
so there i am singing along to my phone which is turned all the way up and i still can’t hear shit
the car is pretty loud and i figure i’m driving around 45
idk what the speed limit is but whatever it was, that was me
old safe and sound me

so anyway, i approach this shitty town
hit a stop sign and then enter
hit a light
hit another light
almost out

oh i forgot to mention
i got high as fuck and somehow lost the keys
my wife was out of town getting her birth certificate in san jose
so i’m like ripping the house apart looking for these fucking keys so i don’t miss my court date, ya know?
FINALLY after like 35 frantic minutes i find them and race to court

you know what, now that i think about it i may have been speeding
i knew for sure i was going to miss the roll call but i was hoping my case wouldnt be called first
so anyway back to this town
i’m driving thru and just as i’m about to leave this town in the dust
this town full of portuguese people if that helps
just as i’m about to blow out of this town and gun it to my destination, which happens to be like another 30 minutes from this town
just in case you want to google map this shit out the shitty towns i’m talking about are Turlock, Hilmar and Los Banos
so just as i’m about to get the fuck outta hilmar
this 18 wheeler in front of me starts slowing down
well its a two lane road so i’m like wtf is this asshole doing?
i look behind me and i see about 6 cars behind me
and behind all of them, this big ol train of cars
there is a cop car lighting some poor dumb fuck up

so, what the fuck does that have to do with me right?
this cop is clearly occupied, i got places to go
this road doesnt go double solid for another 34 feet
i think i can blast around this halting moron
whats the worst that could happen?
the busy cop suddenly abandons his victim and focuses on me?
so bam i dart!
and sure enough i see the cop swoop up on me like only cops can
that sudden hover right on your ass

apparently this dick has witnessed me do no wrong
except he now seems to think that i did cross, as he points down to the NOW doubled lines
which i maintain that i did NOT, i just did not pull over in a timely manner as an act of defiance, and well, fuck you
he has to call in his buddy
this is kind of how the conversation went
“license, insurance and registration?”
“what on earth are you pulling ME over for?”
“you we’re talking on your cell phone”
“I don’t even have cell phone service!”
“license, insurance and registration!”
“well, i wasnt planning on being unjustly pulled over. I can see what I can find here, this isnt my car you know” ::rummaging through glovebox::
“funny story… i’m actually on my way to get my license back as we speak, thats is literally where i’m headed this very moment!”

and come to find out, that case would be dismissed!
unfortunately this guy gave me a ticket for driving on a susp license, talking on cell phone and passing on a double lined
like if i would have had weed on me, which i don’t really know how i didnt, i could have gone to jail with all those charges haha
at the time i didnt even have my weed license

i had to call my sister, and she bailed me out big time
she gave me a lift to the court in los banos
where, as i said earlier, my case was dismissed
i went in front of the judge the first time, about a month prior, and he was like “you blood test said you were at .08. do you want to plead guilty or no contest”
“not guilty, your honor”
“huh? what? uhh, well do you have money for an attorney?”
“well, we can assign you a public defender”
“that will be fine”

then i went into the public defenders office
he was straight out of breaking bad
he had his feet up literally eating a donut, literally!
hes like “no no no, this is all bad, i can’t do anything with this case!”
then he looks down and notices the date
“oohhhh this happened in 2010? they can’t wait this long to try you, there is a law!” then he looked it up and sure enough there was some time limit

so i end up showing up late as fuck finally, but thankfully my public defender was even later than i was
so he just looked the judge straight in the eye and explained the law
he looks over at the da right in her eyes and hes like “do you have a problem with this?”
and, the best way i could describe it, its like when you steal something from walmart and you are half way out of the gardening section, you just gotta clear that one old greeter
the judge was that old greeter
i’m staring at him like, there is no way in hell that he will dismiss my dui just because i didnt show up for my hearing
and then the da was like “uhhh, huh? yeah, thats sounds uhhh, yeah thats okay”
like i think she got caught not being familiar with that random law and just kind of agreed to it
the judge looks at them both and then looked at me and was like, “the only way i’m going to rule on this case is if you agree to pay the full amount of your public defenders fee with the court accountant.”
i’m like “uhh ok”
thankfully i had like 340 bucks on me or something
like just enough for the failure to appear fine and the pd fine

so i was driving home that day
having just gotten my parents car nearly towed
i had to have my sister call my dad to come get his car because i literally couldnt make that call haha
i remember driving home like the happiest id been all year and the saddest id been all year in the same moment
i was like, i can’t believe i got out of my case!
and i can’t believe that fucking cop pulled me over!
it could have been much worse obviously
like i feel that getting all those tickets that day
i still fucking won haha

but heres the funny thing
back to the current case
the reason why i passed on the double line, ALLEGEDLY
was because the guy who “SAW” me on the phone had to call his buddy who was stationed further down the road and say “pull over a white car, the dude was on the phone”
thats why there was a huge line of cars behind me
thats why the truck in front of me was slowing down
because the chp officer who pulled me over was listening to some mother fucking hearsay!

soooooooooo anyway, we end up moving down south
and rather than just get my license back and pay the fines for 2 violations i was like “fuck this, i’m fighting it!”
well i got my licence back
but for some reason when you get a dui there are two courts
a real court and a dmv court
and they both suspend your license
so i fought it and won successfully in the court of law
but the court of the dmv told me they don’t really give a shit, and that i still needed to have an sr22 for like however many years
so of course, i let my insurance lasp cause i can’t really remember to do anything lol
so i show up in court to fight this asshole chp
and i go to show the judge my newly issued hard copy of my license that shows the issue date like 2 months prior
and the cop is like “your honor, i ran this douches # this morning and its re-expired”
then he turns to me and asks me point blank how i got here and i was like “uhhh… uhhhhhh… i… uhhhhhhh… Drrrrrrrrrrrrrrove?”
and then he starts making me out ANOTHER ticket for driving on a susp
right in front of the judge, in front of like the 8 other families waiting to have their cases heard
i told the judge i wont sign it but he was like “its just saying you received the ticket, sign it!”

so that was like a year and a half ago
maybe longer
ive had so much anxiety about it, ya know?
i knew that i would have to call up and put myself back on the calendar
and i already had like 2 failure to appears on that case in the first place
then i just blew off the new ticket
but i told the judge “nigga i drove 7 hours from lake elsinore to fucking merced to fight a stupid ticket. it cost me however much money i made all week at t-mobile in gas to get here. to show up so this idiot could give me another ticket.”
i didnt say it like that
but i did make the cop submit his evidence
he had nothing on me
his dash cam had me crossing back over the double lines
but i left when it was solid:lined
and by the time i passed the big rig it was solid:solid
i was actually curious about that law
i mean my whole case, the whole why i was confident enough to try to fight the man was my baseless idea that as long as you started your pass when it was solid:lined youre good

anyway, once i knew that that officer wanted to give me 2 tickets for susp i said fuck it
i couldnt face him haha
maybe i have some ptsd when it comes to cops
but needless to say i spent the past however long just running from my problem
well i couldnt really face it
they wanted a shit load of money that i didnt have
remember all the way back a few posts ago when it was summer and i worked for like 3 straight weeks of back breaking labor to pay off $800 in fines that i had to pay before they would remove the hold on my license
well i paid that, but then they told me i had ANOTHER $1500

but you know what?
good things happen when you give poor people who have kids massive tax returns
they pay their state fines off with the state green pieces of paper you give us! haha
its the circle of life
now i’m back on the streets thanks to a tax credit

it would be like if you we’re a foster farms chicken that went on a hunger strike
like they will treat you like shit, but they need you to be alive
i guess that analogy works with prisoners as well
but also us poor folk haha

well i better get going
i’m going to take my wife to work tomorrow
she got a promotion at her job and now she has to be there at like 4am for some inventory bullshit
so i’m gonna take her so she can rest on the way
it will be so nice driving and not worrying about getting pulled over
i mean, i still can’t get pulled over
i think when my wife and i went to get our sr22s the lady said we have 7 points or our records combined
i guess thats a ton

ohhh and also i need to remember to go renew my cannabis card
thanks again tax return

its funny, if you fucks hadnt told me that weed makes you go sterile i wouldnt have gotten my money
ive been using weed as contraception
haha just getting high as fuck and banging my wife
apparently you still can get pregnant even if your high
haha thats should be a psa
like “i know we said that shit kills your sperm count, but just in case…”

okkky, well i better wrap this up
man i had so many fucking blog ideas that never materialized
shit that was so pressing and profound that just vanished

my 13 year old nephew ran away from home to STOCKTON cause hes dealing with some crazy shit and the fucking cop scolded him about how many cop dollars he wasted having all these people looking for him
telling this poor scared kid about 1s and 0s
and the bottom line
crazy, crazy, crazzzzzzzzzy fool, crrrazy-zy fooooooooool

ah well, i got my license, i’m happy
i will start writing here more i promise
you know, just this dog shit post i’m typing right now, even this feels good
something about it

things feel like they are starting to fall into place and this is a very joyful time in my life
oh and i reached my one year anniversary of blogging
kinda cool
kinda fucked up to look back and see the idiot i was just a mere calender year ago
well, i’m too tired to go back and re read this to make sure that i wrote everything
ill go back and edit this maybe
ok i’m posting


2 thoughts on “tell me, oh ye who want to be under the law, do yall even know what da fuck it says?

  1. Weird how things happen, how they work out, or don’t, or sort of do. It’s all in how you look at it.

    By the way, that line about treating you like shit but they need you alive, I thought that was really something.

    You said you want to post more on this blog. I hope you do. 🙂

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