shit, its already late
i wanted to write something today, because its 1/11 mostly
and aren’t you supposed to be more in tune with the universe during dates that look cool to write?

well i really let this blog get away from me
I don’t want this opening to an apology like so many of my other blogs i post
and id say about 55% of blogs that Ive ever read open with the poster being like “aw shit son, you know i’m lazy as fuck and i offer my deepest condolences”
yeah i’m still lazy
in 2014 too
what are you gonna do?

is it 2014 already?
you know its sad when I used a cheat day to eat Carls Jr two days into the new year
and what is the number one thing they tell you to do during the new year?
write down your goals!
write them down? I can’t even identify any
not like there aren’t glaring holes in my life that desperately need band aids
i’m just not to the point where my ego will allow me to identify the holes, and thus transmit from pen to paper

i turned 30
if there was only someway I could set me new years resolution to “lets not let that shit happen again”
30s not so bad once you let yourself realize that nearly half your life has past you by and youre still walking around in one of those states of utter confusion and bong smoke
i look at it like i’m half way through a decent movie that i’m only slightly curious to see what happens at the end haha

i had a strange dream last night
i can’t remember who exactly was all with me, I think it was just my family, you know, my mom and dad
maybe sarah
i can’t really remember
but we we’re all gathered around the cul-de-sac that i grew up on
and for some reason the whole neighborhood was outside
and we are all bullshitting
and then off in the distance to the west we see a plane fly over and drop a bomb
the bomb makes the sound that they use for the flare sound effects in the movies
but falling rather than being shot up

we all go quiet as we see this massive mushroom cloud arise followed by a sonic boom that hit me in my solar plexus
it was far enough away that it didnt kill us
in fact, it didnt really do anything other than set us all into a sort of slack jawed shock mixed with a slow panic

i was rushing around trying to figure out what we we’re gonna do
I was ordering my family to pack up the car with whatever we could get and then we needed to leave before whatever radiation was going to be waffed over towards us

the sierra nevada mountains are to the east and I figured we could take refuge amongst nature
and in that moment where we’re all latching our seatbelts, getting ready to flee
I hear that flare sound effect again but in the direction that we are headed in
as my eyes find the horizon, I see another plane flying over our planned future destination
another mushroom cloud

the part of me that thought that there would only be one bomb set off as some sort of example quickly died
these mother fuckers weren’t trying to scare me
they were letting me know that, yes, the path that you we’re headed down has a bomb at the end
and the next path, plan b, yeah, fucking plan b also has a bomb waiting for you

thats when I woke up of course
I didnt die in the dream
I was just left in that eternal moment
that moment that you are staring at uncertainty
and they are like “sorry motherfucker, that wasn’t a warning shot, this is the real deal”

the dream freaked me out pretty bad because I just have a bad feeling about it
my wifes grandmothers sister just died yesterday of old age, in some retirement home back east
apparently she was losing her mind, and then she contacted the flu or something
i’m not quite sure, but it was an extremely emotional day for everyone

and also my mother had an appointment with her doctor to take a look at some lump
I called my mom today
I asked her what the doc said
she said that she had a message from him that she needed to check after she got off the phone with me
i told her to call me back and let me know what the results of the tests we’re
she hasn’t called me back

i can’t help but think of the psychic that my brother and i went to at the beginning of last year
she told my brother “you have to get right with your mom before she goes” and when he questioned why now, she replied with something like “it might be too little too late at this point” referring to her… errr… pharmaceutical life

i’m scared because ive always treated my mom with resentment
i’m sure its nothing new
a very common thing i suppose
but there is something that a boy carries with him that can only be caused by the disappointment in who you wanted your mother to be for you

and listen, i don’t think that anyone should be required to fill a certain arcitype
i don’t think she owes me anything
but this is a 30 year old me
i can’t say that ive always saw things that way

the part of me that was a scared hurt kid who felt abandoned
or not abandoned, thats the wrong word
fuuuck, i can’t even talk about this shit
its too much
haha, you know youre repressing some bullshit when you get too choked up to even type haha
lets just say that i’m sure there are voids in my life that wouldn’t hurt to be illuminated just by untangling expectations

I guess ive just always looked at my mother as just that, a mother
and in the idea that I had built up in my head, she did not meet that, and in turn I suppose I rejected her
she couldnt provide me with that person who could meet my needs
and I think, fuuuck, i hate being too high where you start to uncover some bullshit haha
but i think, obviously ive pursued someone who could meet my now unrealistic expectations of a female provider in Sarah
she definitely plays the role of mother to me
kind of fucking weird, yeah?
but like, she makes me breakfast every morning, and when I get out of the shower she has my boxers and t shirt picked out for me
like whenever i’m hungry i just throw up an “i’m hungry” and she takes that as her personal job to now make sure that my hunger is disposed of
i don’t have that
i’m not proud of it
i wish that was me
but, fuck man, you know how hard that would be for me?
if i’m taking my daughter to the store, i don’t even brush her hair
what kind of creep am I? haha

but getting back to what i was saying
ive looked at my mom like the archetypal mother
rather than just another soul in the same matrix as myself
a soul trying to grow in this lifetime
a soul ive most certainly known before this incarnation
and one that i’m sure i will know again
unfortunately i was unable to recognize this earlier

as much as I can’t stand some of the traits that she carries
she offers me the best opportunity for growth if i choose to find out WHY i respond in the way I do to her personality

the thing thats funny
just knowing the way life probably works
you know, that old ‘live by the sword’ saying
i’m gonna be old and just dying for my childrens approval and they are gonna be like “fuck off dad”

speaking of being a dad
Kassius is fucking huge!!!!
and i know this probably sounds like i’m being bias, but i’m pretty sure he is the cutest baby
well depending on what you are into i guess

fuuuck, there was some more shit i wanted to write
listen, its getting late but i will write more
its just i get so overwhelmed
i save up all this shit i want to write about
and then it becomes a huge snowball that is just too painful to look at and I end up just writing a little stupid blurb about what’s been going on lately haha

i think this year I am going to try to start
fuck, TRY to start he says
this year I AM going to start either a podcast or youtube channel
bloggings cool but i’m such a shitty typer and i can’t get thoughts out fast enough haha

one last thing
thank you so much to anyone who reads this or subscribes
its really cool that people care =)
i appreciate it

i was thinking, 2014 should be the year that i edit this POS haha
guess that will have to wait til a dif year

9 thoughts on “happy newish year

  1. If if helps, I didn’t forgive my mother until sometime in my 30’s, and she was/is a WONDERFUL mother… Surprised you didn’t mention that 11 is a master number, like 22 and 33. Don’t remember what it’s supposed to mean, though.

  2. You have a very interesting mind. Even though though your thoughts jumps from one idea to another, it made me laugh at how you clearly explained what you’re trying to say. Too funny and a good read in the morning :))

  3. lets just say that i’m sure there are voids in my life that wouldn’t hurt to be illuminated just by untangling expectations

    Fuckin beautiful.

  4. don’t feel bad, I’m always late, and I never really forgave my mother either. sometimes I wish I had, but she never really made me feel like I ought to.

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