[ok this blog was so bad that i’m just going to go ahead and leave notes on what I was trying to say.]

my friend
my fucking best friend
this fucking guy

i’m feeling unloved
not just out of self pity

[OMG you whiny bitch]

i’ve been best friends with my homie, Carlos
can you guess the nationality?
yep Mexican

[you know what? that was mean. what an asshole thing to type. Guess the nationality based on the name. Actually, when you google Most Mexican Name Ever it says PePe, and specifically states that Carlos is Spanish. Although… it is number 17 on a list of most common baby names in Mexico. You know what’s fucking crazy? Go to this site http://www.babycenter.com/0_most-common-baby-names-in-mexico-since-1930_10341179.bc
and look at the lack of “K”s  in this hispanic culture. The letter of extreme wealth. I can not find one. C’mon Mexico lets start getting some Keith and Kennys haha]

for some reason I’ve always had a shit load of Mexican friends
anyway, this guy has been my best friend as long as I can remember
I really sound like a douche saying best friend
like i’m some 4th grader placing dibs
but i don’t know what else to say
we’ve LITERALLY been hanging out since like 3rd grade

[it sounds like im bragging. Like everywhere I go I have a shit ton of friends, and the overwhelming majority of them happen to be hispanic. Lets just say I had like 6 Mexican friends and maybe 3 white friends haha]

by sixth grade we’d call each others houses leaving what we perceived as funny voicemails on our families answering machines
I remember we had an inside joke, something that had to do with the Weezer song “Buddy Holly”
I remember my mom calling me in from playing basketball with the neighbors and her being like “Michael… you have a message… i think”
the message was probably like, “Yo, what’s up, its your boy Carlos… ::giggling:: Dress like buddy holly! WOO WOO and you’re mary tyler moore.”
you know, really empathizing the shit out of the “WOO WOO”
you know what, it might actually be more of a “WHO WHO”

[I really don’t know what the fuck we were thinking. This is before the age of internet. Before the age of beepers. I grew up calling up classified ads for free kittens with my friends, and just try talking the owner to help our starving python out. Just stupid shit man. No explanation. No apologies. haha]

anyway, we went to a super small school
[420 kids]
all throughout middle school we were friends
then the summer before high school we had summer school together
I think that really solidified our friendship
then that next summer we went to Mexico together
we went with his family, or extended family, i don’t really know
but let me tell you there were a lot of them
we DROVE to Zacatecas!!!
well someone drove us
and we took a train the first part
a bus the second part
and the third part, well idk if it was some sort of coyote program
I just remember sitting in the back-back seat of an astro van
the whole way through Arizona and Texas
whoever is sitting in the front seat has the window down
basically acting like an air compressor
my lips chapped before we left Bakersfield
and mind you, we was like 13
the only white guy in deep Mexico!

[actually we saw 2 white guys on bicycles and white button up shirts, most assuredly preaching the holy word. I saw them pedaling towards me and I was like “hey, you guys are white!” and one guys like “yep” and then they just rode away. oh and there was also this guy we saw at this hot as fuck waterpark. we were playing basketball and he came up and started talking to us. apparently he had driven a truck through Modesto a few times lol we were shocked.]

we stayed there for a couple weeks
everyone was nice
but during that time we spent like every minute together
visiting old abandon churches
taking pictures of skulls in the graveyards giving us oral flavors
walking around the promenade haha
so by the time we returned home we were tired of each other

our friendship always seemed to go in cycles
like we’d be friends for a few months
then couldn’t stand one another
then be back to friends

well right now I think we’re in a down cycle
i’m about done with this mother fucker dude

i don’t know if he is going out of his way to piss me off or what
the past two weekends though
this fucking guy
the past 2!
he hits me up a few days before hes going to come back to the valley
and hell be like, “yo lets hang out”

oh and before I go any further

[I do this in real life. Like im going to tell a story and trying to get to the point, but some other pointless thing pops up and I never get to the point. But anyway, let me tell you the real story. You know that saying ‘with friends like these who needs enemies?’ Well thats us. Nothing makes me happier when he calls me up and he’s like “Ohh bud, am I in a jam this time” and I just have a shit eating grin on my face like “oh tell me you got someone pregnant! tell me you got a d.u.i.!!” So I get it. Im being a pussy in a friendship that was sort of founded on doing anything for a laugh.

Part of me wants to be like “Hey mother fucker, you hurt my feelings.” but I’m 29! Im not 16. I feel like the window to define our friendship has long since closed haha. But let me tell you a quick story.

So the other day he comes to town and he’s like, “Im in town for a wedding. Lets write!” (we have this obnoxious idea that we could write a screenplay)
“So right off the bat, im like wedding? well surely he would have told me whos wedding it was had I known the bride or groom. So I dont even ask. Maybe some family member I dont know about.
So apparently the wedding goes great. Then he calls me the next morning and starts telling me about this, idk, acidently incestual moment he nearly had at the wedding. I guess he was grinding on the dance floor with some girl and, the girl knew his name. Shes like, “I always have remembered your name because your last name is ______ right?”
and hes like “uh yeah”
shes like “well my mothers maiden name is ______”
turns out they had the same great grandpa or something.
But hes like “Ah man, it was so embarrassing because it was in front of Lalo and Daniel and Gus.”
Those are my friends. Well our friends.
But in my head i’m thinking… why the secrets? You think i’m going to invite myself to a wedding or something? You know when someone lies about something really insignificant, and you get pissed. Not because they lied, but that they perceived that it was lie worthy? Or not even lie worthy, just worthy of being shady. Like technically no harm no foul. I couldn’t have gone anyway. Now I sound like i’m trying to save face here haha. I mean, I haven’t called any of my friends in years. Some I run into when we’re doing a fantasy football or baseball draft, but for the most part I’ve really dropped the ball maintaining any sort of friendships.
So there was that. But the real thing that pissed me off was he was, idk, too hungover or whatever, to come kick it that day.

So the next week comes around and he does some other form of the exact same thing. I mean, I asked him how he gets home from his parents house. He literally has to come within a mile of my house. One day it was he didn’t have anyone to watch his nephew for him. Then don’t hit me up in the first place. Oh that was for the Anderson Silva v Chris Weidman fight. Hits me up to see where im going to watch the fight. I have like 3 different options. All of which are deemed impossible by him.
And this guy hates to waste money. It will be like 2 in the afternoon and he will be bored at his parents house texting me what’s up. Then you gotta wait for an hour for a reply. Then he’ll call you and feel you out. Like its your job to coax a good time out of him. He’ll be like “well what’s going on over there? are you drinking? ahhh… idk… its like 25 minutes away dude. I just drove all the way from San Jose. I think im just gonna stay here.”
Then I get off the phone feeling like I just failed my unemployment questionnaire with the Indian overseas.
Like in my eyes, a great time is only 30 minutes away. I’d make that drive all day everyday for a friend, ya know? Ok back to this blog. Btw, this is why I don’t blog. It takes me so long to get into a rhythm. I take a few weeks off, I write this. Errr.]

this mother fucker and I like get each other you know?
like ever since we were kids we’d just spend all day just crackin jokes at the other person expense
and through that I think, we both developed a fairly quick wit
well not so much wit, maybe just a thick skin haha
but then we realized it was funner to make fun of other people
it was pretty fucked up i gotta admit
but making your friend laugh is one of the greatest things in the world
if you can get your friend howling laughing on the floor, you won

its like trying to make your dad laugh
i dont think ive ever made my dad laugh the way i want him too lol
the only time i can remember is we were at this Mexican restaurant when I was little
and I was reading the menu
and I said something wrong
like “can I get a Surrito Bupreme”
most people can figure out what the fuck i’m trying to say
but somehow dyslexia got brought up
and I was trying to make a play on the word you know
so i’m like, to my dad, i’m like “ah, yeah, I got lysdexia”
the only problem was it came out like “Less-Dick-sia”
like its some sort of WWII war wound
he was fucking howling in the middle of this restaurant
kinda pointing and laughing
face all red
and i’m just sitting there mortified haha

but anyway
Its good to know you can make your friends laugh
and especially if your friends are funny

and don’t get me wrong this mother fucker, Carlos, is funny as fuck
like no one can make me laugh as much as he can
and it will just be something like a face expression
or just that face where it looks like you’re pulling back from reality

so heres the problem
he comes down, idk, every few weeks
he now lives in San Jose
and every time this fuck comes down
he will hit me up a few days prior
he will go with the old “ah man, we gotta get together and smoke!”
and of course i’m down
i’m an ideas man
I love getting together with someone who can just riff all day

so friday will come around
ill shot him a text
then he responds next morning with some shit like “ah man, i would have called you but I blacked out early. fucking crazy party. at some girls house, dont know what town”
and i’ll laugh to myself
thats him, ya know?
i can’t change that, but its a little annoying that no time was made for me lol
so whatever, next day he will go see his family
which, what am I, going to complain about a guy seeing his family?
but I sit at home alone
finally Sunday rolls around
i’m hitting him up like “mother fucker lets hang out”
then no reply
then Monday comes around and hes back in SJ texting me about some funny story that happened with some other friend

i’m like “Go take your fancy fucking stories with you to your other friends…”
I just feel like, why even hit me up and tell me you’re in town?

actually it went down a little different, he did come over for like 5-10 minutes for the 4th of July
but then he LITERALLY did the move where he leaves me hanging til the next day
get this
this mother fucker tries to text me and call yesterday
fuck that
but he sent me this weak MMS that was like a stock photo of some cartoon holding a sign that said “Ever think to yourself ‘my best friend and I should be a comedian’
first of all I know he doesn’t think that
second of all, you’re so transparent you fuck
i’m supposed to be like the insecure sophomore getting a love letter from the star QB
“ohhh you think i’m funny???!?!?!?! welll why didn’t you say so? all is forgiven!”

ah fuck I gotta get ready for work
maybe i’ll talk about this more
actually thats pretty much it
just wanted to get that shit off my chest son!
i can’t be carrying that anger around with me all day haha
i’m gonna start trying to write this fucking blog in the mornings when im nice and toasted haha

[Well there you have it. The End. To be honest I just scrolled to the bottom. Literally impossible to read. Oh I also forgot to mention my boy Carl is the one who introduced me to my wife. So he’s so far in the red its not even funny. Haha so far in my blog i’ve talked shit about my brother and my friend. Maybe the problem is me… nah.]

12 thoughts on “My Best Friend [With Notes]

  1. you are so awesomely funny, I am your biggest fan. And YOU should be writing a screenplay, didn’t I call that on the last post?? You have to do it, You have to at least try, it’s so your vibe it screams off the page. Plus you’re good looking – sooooo hollywood! GO – move to LA with your wife and kids – DO It ❤

  2. haha thanks for the encouragement. youre totally right, i need to at least try. for some reason I think I have a mental block where I rely so much on the piece that happens to be missing rather than just forge forward by myself. like in my head i think if my friend and I got together we could write something really funny, but if I wait for him, it might be too late. idk. im going to research how to write a spec script now lol

    • There are some good books but also online courses and templates that help with the three act structure and character development too.

      You could be your own tv show it would be hilarious, you should pitch that! A show based on your blog.

  3. It was funny and full of profanity, but that is typical of your age. I encourage a wide variety of words and descriptions to all who write! Thanks for liking my posts, I am like your grandmother or mother, so don’t mind the comments!

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