haha im watching dr phil right now
I keep telling myself to just unplug the fucking tv
but its like getting a vasectomy
its just so fucking inconvenient to right that wrong
its easy to just tell yourself, “ah fuck, what i am 12? I cant be responsible???”
smash cut to you sitting in shame haha

anyway Phillip is talking to some young blonde teenage reality star??? I dont know what she is. Ive never heard of her but she looks like my neighbor…
Like apparently if you look like a total peice of shit, the quickest cheapest way to make you semi-head turnable is to just bleach the shit of out of your hair
Itd be like if you took over some inner city football program, im thinking detroit-ish
the first thing youd do is be like “we gotta get these little gangstas some jerseys!”
first things first ya know?
if youre some normal girl, you cant just drag yourself on national television to be hated on
you gotta dip your dome in some chemicals first

anyway hes talking to this crazy girls mom. And shes sitting there like shes testifying in like an elder abuse case. She has this stone face on, with like a glossing of innocence. Anyway the “doctor” stares at this mom like, ok now its your turn to take some shit. Im trying to think of how to best describe her expression. She looks like she just accidentally farted in church. Like that “Oh FUCK” look. Shes just sitting there in it.
But hes like “and im gonna come right at and say it… Im gonna lay it out there” like he has some well kept opinion hes ready to expose to the masses. “It was not right of you-” he goofily stares towards the mom “to drop your daughter off at the strip club to dance and make money! its just not right.”
The fucking crowd goes apeshit.
And she dumbfoundedly nods like “wellllll… now ya tell me, 20/20 hindsight, but cmon, how the fuck was I supposed to know that?”

then he turns to the daughter and is like, you dont deserve to be paraded out in front of all these slobbering men
now first of all I take offense to him implying were all a bunch of drooling idiots haha
its like going to the everglades and being like “ewww, look at these nasty aligators”
like bitch you and your mom came leaking over here on your own
it wasnt fucking entrapment!!
i know i know… they shouldnt have put the strip club there if they knew wed just objectify ourselves
its like just own it you fucks
no one victimized you
you wanted to make an easy buck
fucking own it!

and then this big doofus is like “Well Garsh Darnit, I think what the problem is, is your on these pharmaceuticals”

camera 2 cuts to the big screen t.v. flashing in HUGE fucking letters the names of like the top 9 pharmaceuticals that girls her age are on. I watch as they cut back to the shot multiple times so they can cram every single name in your head. Like “ah shit, i havent tried that one”

Dr Phil is the biggest fucking drug pusher in America

It’d be like If I had a nationally televised show were I just sit there, high as fuck, talking to other people like “well, I think the problem is youre smoking too much of this bomb ass LA Confidential and youre blowing your mind daily son. You cant be driving a car when your in this vivid depiction of heaven. you gotta stop smoking!”

Then I cut to the shows top advertiser like Swisher Sweet Blunt Wraps

I swear Dr Phils first commercial was for Chantix or some bull shit
No lie
Like you couldnt write this shit
Its hilarious

the white man never grew up with weed
the white man choose technology and synthetics
there was never a white bush doctor
not hating on whitey
just saying ya know?

and im not talking about like if your step dad smoked on the weekends
im talking about like go back a couple spins of the earth in the white mans history
its all alcohol
its what they learned
and you know how those stuffy poindexter white guys have to be right about everything
they still refuse to teach you about Tesla cause they dont want to be wrong
I say that like Tesla was black haha

Some kids like “Teacher how do we go home and hit a fucking switch, and the light comes on? WTF man? please explain.”
and the teachers like “Well Hector, it all started with a kite and a key, possibly some sort of rodent?? im not quite sure but thats your first warning.”

These dudes were in europe, they were like making their own slosh from the beautiful european grapes which happen to be in the perfect climate
just staring down at india like
“those greesy mother fuckers are smoking?? hey to each their own…” Like guys who only barbeque talk about broilers. “if they want to INHALE smoke, psh, let the fucking idiots…
the russians are eating mushrooms?!”

like white guys cant comprehend weed
Some fucking stuffy guy with a white wig in the 1700s is like “Yes indubitably we indulge in the sweet nectar of our Gods creation.  Simply the sweet liquid extract of a GRAPE! a plant! you really think Gods plant would produce such a thing? highlllllllly doubt it”

Then he like adjusts his massive neckpeice as one of his assistance hands him debriefing on why hes anti-marijuana

hes like “These mother fuckers are INHALING the DEVILS evil seed! When the bible said that every herb was put here for mans use, it simply must not have expected the DEVIL to to add all that nasty THC that just makes you want to eat all the shitty food we are making and hug your neighbor! The bible could not have predicted…. blah blah blah….

The guy who is saying this looks like if Tyler Perry made a white character based on the colonel Sanders

its all addiction man…
youre using a “plant extract” to get all fucking mad and bang on your car in the garage disguised as a drink that tastes like horse shit…
im using my “plant extract” to like read a book on geometry and have my fucking mind blow disguised as a delicious sugar cookie…

im just saying
at the end of the day
would you rather have your dad be fucking feeding the beast every night
fucking 30 miller high lifes
or him burn one before your guys bongo lesson?

ok well this is going to be a short blog
Nothing too big is going on

we gotta move soon
thats gonna suck
we dont want to live here anymore but were in kind of an uncertain time here so its kinda stressing me the fuck out

yesterday we all went to my parents house. my uncle had caught a bunch of abalone i guess. It was pretty cool. My brother had just got back from Thailand and he was telling me some funny stories. I guess he took some mushroom tea on some island. the fucking guy stayed there a week by himself with like just a backpack.

but anyway he was telling me about this book he read about a panda or a walrus. I was pretty high but im pretty sure it was a large animal. But he was saying that in the book they break down the story of creation
like who wrote the story
how the idea came about
what is the story?

anyway, I guess the way they end up looking at it as like it is a solvable problem.
like no one asks how to we solve this dilemma or curse?
is there a way to achieve a workable solution for all of mankind?

well idk if it tackles all that shit but thats what I like to think its about haha

oh we went to the asparagus festival in Stockton, that was pretty cool.
They had a palm reader there
She said she thinks im going to move to the bay area soon and begin “building” something, and settling down…
That should be interesting
I have the feeling something good is going to happen soon

oh is this new?
or am I just the last to know about it?
the Adsense thing in your gmail
where it reads your emails and then bases ads off them
I had to show my wife
Thank God it was only like a baseball swing clinic ad

but isnt that fucking nuts?
they just break down the contents of your emails into 1s and 0s
and just market right to my exact needs
how fn crazy is that?!?!?!?!

if they can do all that
they have got to be able to break down the content of your emails, browser history, IMs, porn folders
and produce a simple number
on a scale from 1-100
you know, to grade you
well just call it your “google number”
and if youre ever in a pinch
like youre being tried for some heinous crime you didnt commit
the judge can just refer to your google number
and hes like, ah he aint such a bad guy
this fucking pervert could never drown a dog

what if that is whats going on here?
st peter has our browser history
like a list of all your thoughts
he just scans it into his system

hes like “hey, what do you know?” like all bored, barely looking up from the finance section of his paper. “you got a red slip. take it to the scanner on the 2nd escalator”

youre just standing there like “fuuuuuuuuu” with that look on your face
you know  the one
the one where you thought you were a great mom
until you hear all the shitty things you did come out of doctor phils piehole
that big bambi eyed shock
like you know how your phones camera starts having a panic attack when it cant figure out what to focus on?
youre sitting there like short circuiting like a fucking fembot haha
ahh i make myself laugh

9 thoughts on “Dr Phil, Marijuana and Google

  1. any room left on that couch for ms4Shiz ? seriously, the elephant walked out of the room & I’m stuck with this giraffe. seems he likes taking hits of oxygen when I’m not looking.

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