ok well I think I figured out my problem
I got no plan!!
Every time I sit down to write a blog
I get nice and comfortably stoned
I start writing about some bullshit or another
I begin to do a little research as to not sound like a total fucking idiot
Inevitably I quickly get side-tracked by some video of the latest ‘Teen Mom’ to botch her attempt to capitalize on thier fleeting public acknowledgement
I cant fucking do it
Oh also my problem is I write in Google Docs, and then copy and paste it into WordPress
Thats always a huge fucking mess
But there is too much editing going on
And then there is also all my criticisms of what Ive written about
I end up spending half the day writing, the other half debating
The next morning im like “fuck it! ill just start a new one” haha
Then I log into WordPress and I have like 2 views on the day lol
Oh man, I wanted to post a picture here I took
but I accidentally left the volume up on my phone, as well as the flash
So my wife and I are sitting across from each other on the couch one night
I pull out my phone to take a quick picture of my laptop
But I kind of wanted to do it secretly
You know, I dont want my wife reading my blog so Im trying to keep it a secret haha
Not that im hiding anything, just kind of embarrassing lol
So im trying to be conspicuous and sly
And my phone makes that huge “Click” noise
And the flash lights up the whole room
Im sitting there like “nothing to see here” lol
But the picture I was attempting to post was that wordpress google search logger
Some poor motherfucker came to my blog because he typed into google
“my brother and my wife fuck behind my back”
go ahead google it, im like 2nd page.
Is google trying to tell me something haha
I dont know if this is true, but I assume it has to be eventually
but I heard that soon google will know if your son is gay before any parent could possibly know
Just by like, fucking google searches
your boy frequents dance tutorials and downloads all the Bravo programming by the time hes in middle school?
Google can shoot you an alert
Or at least know exactly how to advertise to him haha
Dude you wanna know something crazy?
The Waco Siege happened 20 years ago today.
Oh but anyway, back to my plan
I figure Ill format it like this
Ill give myself 2 hours a day to write
If I dont write anything within that window, well im fucked lol
I think I finally figured out how to post soundcloud songs
So basically ill try to post a song that fits the mood of the post, ya know?
This way Im basically protecting myself from myself
Ok well enough about me and my bullshit
How the fuck are you?!
Well thats great!
I joined this club, well not joined yet, but Ive attended a few meetings at the organization called Toast Masters.
Its pretty nuts, but I was thinking like what is the best stall line?
You know just your best go-to line of bullshit, you know, when like you run into one of your wife’s friends, and they are introducing their new boyfriend
Like wtf are you comfortable with?
First of all you gotta size the guy up the way a neighboring silverback judges the alpha from another clan lol
When you know youre going to meet someone, I think you have to try to sink up your vibrations real quick
You cant go into a hand shake after you just got done listening to some Sonny and Cher duet
Little did you know this mother fucker just got done MMA training
People want to talk shit about the whole game of power and control. Sayings its unnecessary Im sure those fucks have never extended a relaxed hand and had some mother fucker attempt to fuse your pinky finger and thumb together.
Youre not getting a blow job after that party from your old lady.
Youll be lucky if she goes home with your limp wristed ass haha
Ok I dont know where the fuck I was going with this
I guess this will be the downside ok writing on the fly
Oh, and one more thing
Ive told myself I wont edit or scroll up
We will see how unbearable that will quickly become
But what I was getting at I think was like, you know when your in the super market and you see one of your facebook friends who you havent said anything to since you asked to borrow a pencil in 6th period of your sophomore year in 2000?
What is the best preloaded bunch of bullshit you say?
Like on my phone if someone calls and I dont want to talk to them, there is this little slide down message thing-a-maj-igger that allows you to deny the call with a fucking text message!!!
There needs to be that option in real life
“Oh shit, Bertha, damn I didnt even recognize you. Howve you been? Good? Youve been good? Thats so good to hear. Well shit dude, great running into you. My kids crying in the car so I gotta get the fuck outta here, but keep fighting the good fight!!”
As I throw my patented “Thumbs-Up” move.
You know, what the fuck is going on here?
Is it just me or is it awkward as fuck to talk to people in person? haha
I feel like im becoming conditioned to minimize human contact
I feel like a fucking creepo hitting my friends up to hang out
“Hey whats up man? You wanna hang out? No, not work out, just hang out. No im not locked out of my house. No were not fighting.”
Its too hard to be like “Yo bro, I feel like being in the company of another dude who has a drinking problem and also is good at verbalizing their complaints” haha
Fuck, this sucks, only having two lines to jog what youve already written
This is essentially like my real life
My brain is a computer that can no longer scroll up lol
I think thats the main reason why I wanted to start a blog was to record the spirit I had at this age. Im curious to see how it will be looking back on this.
Dude isnt it crazy that dudes name sounds like “Joker”
Ok sorry about that
Ok well its 11 so im just gonna fucking post this bullshit =(
Well I was searching for a song to put on my blog Sarahs mom came over and we started bullshitting about the bible and now its nearly noon haha
We were talking about how shitty our memories are
And where could I bury all my books so some future generation can have access to knowledge…
Wouldnt it be some shit if like we are all on like 200 year cycles of growth before we are harvested…
Right when we are going to have just enough information to fight off the aliens,
They swoop down and neatly plastic zip tie us to our neighbors and ship us out as food
The few running the shit are like “alright, lets start-a-new at, fuck, we’ll call it 1800 AD. Does that sound right??? Well take down the internet completely. We will let them think they are building their own revolution.”
His fat fuck alien buddy is like “Eher Eher (Thats his laughter) We got all our own guys ready to assume their former roles”
You see Jay-Z soulish body hanging out in the corner
They just bus in a new load of seedlings. “Fuck it, we will tell them the pyramids were man made, well sell the shit out of all this useless material we got polluting the shit out of this planet, and well make out like fucking thieves in the night.”
How fucking awesome would that be to realize you are in a fishbowl you know?
Its like those 38 seconds right before you wake up and you know you are in a dream. Youre just running around rubbing your dick on everything, am I right?
So how is this any different?
Well first of all its different because its is my stupid fucking made up high thought…
This is how people get in trouble…
They listen to some stoned blogger and start whackin off on their mailbox because this reality is an illusion