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So I kinda got sidetracked with some bullshit
& unfortunately my little read blog suffered
I was going to write more but then I just kinda didnt
Lets see, I was real busy with…

Ummm…
Well I went and saw that movie Spring Breakers
LITERALLY the funniest movie I have ever seen
At one point I was laughing so I nearly repeated my Jello Cube disaster of 05 where I nearly choked to death in shame crippling silence at a Japanese Buffet
Only this time it was Red Vines
I dont know why they do it but they sell the only two things that attach themselves to the back of your throat like one of those mountain climbers that pitches a tent on the side of a mountain.
Popcorn and Licorice
They put you in these super uncomfortable situations where youre forced to either clear your throat in the quiet theater or you have to sit there with your eyes watering
basically being water boarded by your food
42 bucks to see that piece of shit movie man
21 for food and 21 for tickets

And is there any more of a fraud than popcorn??
I mean if they were to do a study of food that you instantly regretted eating, its got to be popcorn
In like at the concession youre like ‘omg I cant wait to eat that mouth watering popcorn!’
Before the fucking previews end you can feel the grease coming out of your nose pores and you just want to slap yourself like you would if you were your own kid

but back to the movie
fucking BLEW
I feel like they are just making fun of us now lol
Either thats how they really think people live
Or thats how they want them to live
Either way, fucking SCARY!

Its basically like 8 dub step music videos thinly masking a shitty story about these poor lost souls
They fucking idolize them though
Like they are targeting the Teen Mom crowd trying to nudge them in their predestined direction
thats shitty

ahh and my back is killing me
I spent the whole night with my daughter literally on trying to simultaneously a) wedge herself under my side so I can only roll one way
where she systematically drives me off the bed
like a native American buffalo cliff hearder
over the course of the night she has me hanging on that fucking thin lip that they double over on the edges
my last hope was that, idk what it is, that fucking, maybe its an aluminum strip or something all the way around the bed

im the biggest human in the whole house
i end up with like a picket-fence boards width of bed
my wife has half the bed

im sleeping like someone poses on one of those bed/couches in those old-timey magazine ads
Im sleeping with one leg in a pyramid shape
more of a stabilizer really
i look like im trying to make a shadow puppet dog but with my legs
or like im trying to crack my back in PE class
you know how they make you stretch, but if you put your left arm over your right knee you can really torque the shit out of your back
well thats how im fucking sleeping!!
I wake up my back looks like a dried up wet noodle

b) attempting to block my breathing with her little raccoon hands
But shes one of those kids who sleeps like shes wearing one of those wind surfing flying squirrel suits
I have to wake up 4-5 times a night
I tell my wife ‘Put twinks on your side!’
as soon as im nearly to REM bam! a hand in my mouth

Man, isnt it crazy that as soon as you are old enough to have a kid
You are legally old enough to NAME a kid
I wanted to name my daughter something strong and unique
Her nicknames started like this…

Lincoln – Thats what we named her

Link – Shortened it up a bit

Linky – We eventually threw on the y as a sweet endearing gesture

Twinkie – Because it just kind of fit her personality

Twinks – Apparently a name for a gay male haha

Twinkle Toes – Only when she is dancing lol

The Twinks – Somehow she took on a mythical quality that warrented a “the”

The Stinks – Really lame, but you know, kind of a necessary avenue

Stinker – When shes being anwry

Squeaker – When shes really whiny

and last but not least… I actually caught myself affectionately referring to my own daughter as TWEAKER!

If you let kids in their 20s name something, they end up eventually thinking its hilarious that they call their kid tweaker haha

So Easter was cool
I just played with all the kids all day
Boring
But the pagentry is important I guess
or Idk
Eating is fun
Easter was supposed to be our cheat day
But that turned into Pizza on Monday
And then Sushi today

Its funny, whenever we go out
Ill let you in on my secret to duping my wife into letting me order more food
The way i get to order two dishes
I pose it to my wife as a logical question
‘Err babe help me out here’
I pick the most expensive thing on the menu
And i go

‘I can’t figure out if i should get a steak and crab for $32
Orrr
Well
I could get the western burger,
Wings,
And a order of that guacamole dip we love
Oh
And look
All of that for 12 bucks less!!’

As i shove the 2 for 20 menu in her face
she’s still struggling with the kid and booster seat
like ‘yeah sure, whatever you want!’ lol

Oh and one last thing
We met our doctor for the first time
She was very cool
I had my ‘Edgar Cayce’s Story of Jesus’ book with me
And the Doctor was like ‘Oh you read Cayce?’
I was like oh hell yeah! Our Doctor knows who Edgar Cayce is.
She was great and im super excited that we got her.
She asked me if im into remote viewing?! I was trying to explain to my wife how fucking cool that was lol
She also told us that we should go to Sedona or Mount Shasta soon…
A Medi-cal doctor! What are the odds?!?!
So great news ya know? lol
Alright, ill post again soon…

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One thought on “Spring Broken, Bad Backs and Over Eating

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