oh man, you guys almost came up HUGE and you didnt even know it!
remember how I was talking about winning the lotto the other day?
so I had kinda been cycling these numbers though my head and I def wanted to pick some as my lucky numbers
I got this numerology email a while back, but it said ‘the only lotto numbers you should ever play!’
I didnt click on the link, but I just started thinking, if its destiny, it will happen
When I first got this feeling, my initial feeling was like ‘welp, better get your tickets tonight’
but yall know im far too lazy for that
so you know, I just sat there for a few days with a few numbers in my head 8, 11, 13
a few days go by, and my wife is borrowing her grandpas car, but she calls me and is like ‘my grandpas going to get his lotto tickets so its going to be a while’
then I was all ‘give him a dollar and tell him to pick my numbers for me! ill text you my numbers!’
So right off the bat, I know my some of my numbers
8 for sure since it is my person number vibration is 53/8
this is easy to do, you just add up your birthday. Mine is 12/20/1983
so 1983 is 1+9+8+3= 21
so now we have 12+20+21=53

So this is a constant and will never change cause my birthday will obviously never change. This whole incarnation I will be a 53/8 with 8 being my personal vibration.

So 8 I had to choose for a lotto number. Unfortunately for me, I was super stoned again, and for some reason was thinking my number was 54
but luckily for me the lotto doesnt go that high, but I did choose 44 instead, one because it is the highest vibrating number, and two, well, I was high remember.
Fucking idiot

then I choose 11 because that is Lincolns inner soul number
13 I was definitely feeling, idk why, but i took a chance and put it as the power ball number
my last one was a toss up between 22 and 33
I ended up just winging it

I guess my wife’s grandpa picked her some extra numbers too
3 numbers outta 6 son! First try!!



I should have picked 22 instead of 33 for sure…
26 and 18 were not even on my radar lol
When I win ill hook you guys up
You dont believe me?
ooookay well see  =)

Sooo back to my blog!
Well basically I HATE doing dishes
And I guess I didnt even realize it, but apparently there is no dishwasher here
Sarah tells me yesterday ‘ah shit son, good luck with them dishes today’
and im like ‘the fuck you talking about? today is your day to wash the dishes’
at this point it looks like someones Hollywood interruption of what a shit ton of dishes looks like. Fuckin pots and pans literally clinging to one another in what appears to be some sort of kitchen sink style pyramid worship center.
and shes like ‘no! no fucking way! no no no, I washed the dishes the last time! do you remember that slightly smaller sink fill we had mid week?’
and im like ‘yeah, whats your point!’
‘fuck that, yesterday was MY day to do dishes. YOU DIDNT MAKE ME DO THEM! NOW ITS YOUR FUCKING DAY TO DO THE DISHES!!!!’

I find the only time I use logic is when it is to get out of doing menial house chores.

My argument was, fuck that, the dishes need to be done DAILY or they pile up. I cant be held responsible for your lack of managerial skills. Youve got to be a motivator. This was really a lesson for her more than me.

It was funny, like mid-argument, im listening to myself trying to wiggle off the hook like a scared tuna, and I start to actually start listening to my bullshit arguement. im like ‘fuck, you know what? i think ive got something here!’

Im like ‘do you want to live in a house where we no longer go by your BRILLIANT pre-existing plan, that YOU came up with I might add? Where we revert to the caveman-esque way of waiting until im drinking my tea out of a skillet cause theres no clean dishes?! FINE! If thats what you want, ill take care of THIS pile, thats not even that big I might add (bullshit) but mark… my… words… (in my Morgan Freeman accent) youre not having a turn to do the dishes until weve used absolutely EVERYTHING. (now im in some sort of hybrid Bill Burr/Mel Gibson accent/cadence) IM TALKING THAT WEIRD CHEESE GRATER! IM TALKING THE SIFTER! IM TALKING THE KNIFE SHARPENER/SHISH KABOB SKEWER!!!!’

I feel like at this point in my life I should be writing for some early evening sitcom aimed at the 45 and up crowd, King of Queens style.

Douglas comes home from IPS or golfing or something. The dishes are piling up but he just ignores them. Carrie comes home like WTF fat fuck?
Doug is oblivious and cant comprehend why in the world would he ever be asked to do the dishes.
We get some B storyline involving like some medical condition. Doug ate too much or some bullshit.
It writes itself for goodness sakes!

But anyway… she finally breaks and agrees to do the dishes if I un-clog the sink
I had absolutely no clue we DID NOT have a garbage disposal
Ive been like going out of my way to throw like fucking banana peals in the sink instead of the garbage
so yeah, both sides of the sink were like filled with some sort of brown liquid with what appeared to be some cottage cheese around the edges hahaha
so gross

so there I am in my boxers, stoned as fuck at like 7:30 in the morning
I tell my wife, you plug one end of the sink with this rag
Im going to use the toilet plunger on this other side
Who would have thunk it, it fucking worked

But as im doing this shit, I feel like my wife is talking shit
Shes like ‘oOoOoOoOo soo cute doing house work in your boxers’
This is bullshit because I just have to sit there and take it
I cant get all emotional like my wife

This is a true story
like during Christmas I walked in when she was changing and I was like ‘GOT DAMN! Youre body is BANGIN!’
This mother fucker broke down and started balling these gigantic tears!
WTF man?!

But not me
I gotta stand there and I cant say shit
so shes going on and on
being like ‘oh yeah, what if I was like your baby sitter and I walked in on you and you were doing some yard work in your boxers’
shes getting all worked up
and there I am plunging my kitchen sink

but she always does that, shell start to tell me a fantasy of what she thinks ill like
im not complaining at all, but i was still like ‘why do you always envision me banging someone else?’
and shes like ‘idk, but thats what I mostly fantasize about,  i just always think about you being with someone else…’ then a long thoughtful pause ‘but I imagine me being the girl who you are with too.’
Ahh hell no, thats bullshit. You cant just start disembodying yourself in your own fucking fantasy.
You cant just have free reign over your fantasy world.
One minute your some college co-ed, the next minute youre a professor
It doesnt work that way
YOU have to be in your fantasy, right?

I cant be like, ‘ah babe, I just had this romantic dream where we were making sweet love on the beach
But it wasnt the beach at all! It was inside some hotel or some shit
And it wasnt sweet love, it was quite a throat fucking
and you should have seen me! I was RAY J!
And you? Well, uh, you… I think you were you… in fact im ALMOST positive it was you
It was either you, or… nah it must have been you
I just remember your mom Kris was filming us’

We cant both not be ourselves, that essentially just watching porn in your mind lol
how about like a peaceful drive to the beach followed by a handjob and brunch

But its hard!
You know they make porn music videos?!
Like a 3 minute song with like 400 scenes cut down and sped up and crammed into some dubstep song
how can you fuck with that?
You dont have to watch a whole movie with Ronald Jeremys shitty acting for just right moment
There are like 250 right moments in that one single music video!
And there are like a million of those videos!

But its just the slow infiltration of technology.
The mirage of happiness
The beautiful mirage of happiness lol

Thats the direction we are headed though. If its acceptable by at least the majority of people then its all good.
Do you remember when having an affair was like, a big fucking deal?

My wife was cooking the other day and shes like ‘so and so’s doctor said that it IS okay to eat (some bullshit im pretty sure isnt ok)
and im like ‘whos her doctor? what school did he go to?’
And shes staring at me like STFU
‘did he graduate at the top of his class? whos he work for? what study is he quoting? YOU DONT FUCKING KNOW DO YOU?!’
But its like, if enough of the people you constantly come in contact feel passionately about a certain thing, chances are you will start to feel that way.
Or if someone is indifferent about something, you will begin to be too.
But you have to be AWARE of the thoughts and ideas you let enter your conscious mind

If no one around you sees a problem with eating fast food everyday, you probably wont either. You somehow tied yourself to that concept.

Im like ‘just cause your shitty friends medical doctor who really has no interest in her or her child being healthy and staying out of the health care system, recommended some bullshit that is against conventional wisdom, DOESNT MAKE IT TRUE!

My biggest pet peeve is when people say ‘STUDIES SHOW-’
What fucking studies are you quoting?
Be like John Q Moron at Harvard’s study shows that this and this…
then I can look at it
see who this study was funded by
cross check the study with other independent studies

Its like entertainment
Do you know how the Billboard Top whatever is measured?
THE INDUSTRY STANDARD is measured by album sales and AIRPLAY
who the fuck determines airplay?

Everyday its the same top whatever on Seacrest, do you think that magically the same amount of rabid fans called in and demanded airplay? Or do you think they were like, ‘hmmm, lets check the algorithm we came up with, and determine what to fucking play to these dum dums’

You are calculating how much the music you have will get played

Are we making our celebrities or are they being sold to us?
I dont think Beyonce is worthy of my time. WHO are all these people you are telling me are demanding to have her at every fucking halftime show, prime time interview, inauguration?
Is there a letter writing campaign im unaware of?
Where are all these Beyonce fans I hear about?
Ive never met ONE!
These fucking idiots like the Bieber are having to cancel shows cause they dont sell out
Its like when Drew Rosenhaus was on the phone with Willis McGahee during the draft following him wrecking his knee his senior season. They are sitting right fucking next to each other talking on the phone to EACHOTHER on EPSN so it gives the ILLUSION that teams are beginning to call about his client. He made a false market and everyone bought in.

The people buying Beyonce albums arent doing it cause they love her music, they are doing it cause thats what is perceived as being “cool”.
Some fat bitch on teen mom was probably rockin the shirt, so, fuck it, i wanna be cool too!

The TV tells me Beyonce is the most popular act around
Cause shes billboard top 100.
Cause you made her top the charts cause you played the shit out of her. In fact you had her in every commercial and every magazine cover.
So you can market her brand into my house.
So subconsciously we can influence a generation
Influence in what?


Yeah, preach it B, nothing wrong with being a strong, single, independent woman, except for the fact that you are none of those.

Do you think Beyonce is gonna have your back when you follow everything she says to a tee?
You bought every Beyonce ablum
Went to every concert
Next thing you know your a 42 year old ex cheerleader trying to blow a 12 year old boy…

Fuuuuuck. I feel bad for that bitch.
She is facing 8 years behind bars for telling a 12 year old he could get a birthday BJ.
8 fucking years!!!!
Nearly a whole cycle in this woman’s life
This lady is apparently sooo fucked up in the head and such a menace to society that we need to lock her away for 8.
So it cost 100 bucks a day to lock someone up.
8x 365 is…. fuck… well its gotta be over 24 hundred right? lol
So lets just say 2400 days (maybe she gets out early for good behavior)
We times that by 100 bucks
We get 240,000 dollars!
cause this crazy lovable drunk bitch is trying to spread the love
240,000 bucks we gladly pay the state to lock up this evil bitch.

How bought we swap her out for some of my neighbors lol
I would feel alot safer having some tight bodied, former cheerleading, drunken, blowjob queen living next to me than some of these other fellas haha

Why doesnt the state scratch a check for a tenth of that, get her enrolled in some age identifications classes, and bam! good as new!!

3 thoughts on “The lottery, Doing the Dishes, Beyonce & 42 year old ex cheerleaders

  1. The dishes conversation is the best description of testosterone rhetoric that I have ever seen in print, and the expo of marketing mindfucking was also enjoyable, particularly because I didn’t know about Beyonce’s blowjob incident, so there was the element of surprise. –Aggie

  2. “like during Christmas I walked in when she was changing and I was like ‘GOT DAMN! Youre body is BANGIN!’
    This mother fucker broke down and started balling these gigantic tears!
    WTF man?!”

    That is dead on.

  3. my ex loved “compilation porn” – the mirage of happiness – so great! I always pretended I was someone else, someone I thought he might want to fuck. I had like 360 characters going on, it was fun – for me I know it was.

    The dishes story is a great example of what I was talking about in my blog – the domestic power struggle where romance begins to break down even though you guys still manage to have fun together even there.

    Ummm and Studies Show… yes! I totally agree with you! Who funded it? That always helps to show you what the studies show 100%. I worked for a beauty brand who hired scientists to “speak to the product” in the media – to their benefit of course. Science is most definitely for sale.

    Don’t believe the hype ~

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