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well not exactly back into… but certainly an accident lol

sooo what to write about today??
theres so many things that happen everyday and im like fuck! im definately going to write about that!! and then it just goes by. just out of my mind. and its not like im chasing it, like it was so important. i just watch it flutter away.
I was such a better person without TV and now i feel like im being sucked back into a bad drug habit. slowly convincing myself just a tad wont hurt.
im so surprised ive been able to give up diet coke. and its not like ive DONE it. Im in the process of doing it. I just havent had any in a month or so I think.
It sucks cause all the food I like, I like it because its paired with diet coke. I have absolutely NO fucking desire to eat In-n-Out Burger or Chik-Fil-A anymore because I know that dog shit will be exposed for what it really is… GARBAGE! Yes I said it. Fucking garbage. The only thing that its good for is providing your diet coke with a little mass.

but anyway… fucking funny ass, scary ass story…

my beautiful 90 Taurus was growning a little bit so I decided its time to be a responsible person and go get the oil changed.
The guy at the oil shop was like ‘this fucking car here had no oil in it!’
Go figure. Hes like ‘the belts are bad too! 125 ill fix em both right now, right here.’
fuuuuuuuck that. i hate putting gas into that car you think im gonna throw half a ps3 at the m-f-er?!
so you know, my license is suspended. it has been for quite a while, so you know, i kinda hate driving.
I make my wife drive everywhere.
So were like 4 minutes down the road from the oil change place when the car just stops.
this car has never failed me before… i show it a little love… she decides to get all upity.
but it was hilarious, i just finally got a new SD card for my phone because it was full, and i was telling my wife how I want to make a music video with all the footage I have on my phone. so i was like leaning out the window while we were driving getting some location shots lol
I was like passing in front of all these homeless people recording them and then all the sudden bam!
the fucking car just shuts off…
so were like and the light in front of the bus station trying to make a right turn and sarahs face just goes ghost white…
shes like ‘wtf do we do?!’
and im like PUSH! I jump out, some homeless guy crossing the street runs to my aid…
Im going all out like its football practice drills
but were only going like 8 mphs
Sarahs like, the light is gonna go green!
I see this wave of cars speeding at us, and its like a two laner, nowhere to go.
so im like, turn into this bus station!!
so she does
and then i see the huge sign that says ONLY BUSES ENTER HERE
so im like fuuuuuuuuuuu
I yell to the homeless guy GO BACK!!
and he does
(before I forget again, Im so mad that I forgot to thank the guy who helped me!!)
so the wave of cars passes us
and now were pushing to car out of the bus enterence and back into traffic
what do I see next?!
FLASHING FUCKING LIGHTS
now if you know me or my wife at all you might know that neither of us are so good about driving LEGALLY
so im like fuck it, were going on a 8 mph slow speed chase that involves me pushing
I just holler to the homeless guy KEEP PUSHING
Let me tell you…
the adrenaline I had pumping through my veins
I didnt even notice I was ordering a homeless man to help me push my wife and child on the train tracks…
WITH AN ONCOMING TRAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Im blowing my back out trying to push a ton of dead weight up the train bump thingy!!

All the sudden I hear a disembodied voice behind me

MAAM PUT THE CAR IN NEUTRAL IM GOING TO PUSH YOU OVER THE TRACKS

Oh and also let me tell you a little bit about this car
its been to hell and back
the left side of the bumper was OBLITERATED to the point where it was kind of dangling on
on a ford taraus the lights arent attached to the bumper
its just plastic
I have some pictures of it I should post on instagram

(ok I found a picture ill post but this is nothing like it was… this is from when it is still half way decent…)

So the cop pulls up behind my wife and starts nudging her over the tracks
and im like running along behind the car like those kennedys car guards when he got shot
and as they go over the tracks I hear a big crunch
the kind you hear when theres a fender bender
just metal and plastic
and the next thing I hear is about 20 homeless people going OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
this one girl was like Ohhhhhh snap, oh no he didnt!!!

I ran out in the middle of the road and started picking up the big pieces of my cars bumper that were still on the road but it was in fucking two dozen pieces…
and then I ran over to where my wife was
The cop was now behind her with his lights on…

fuuuuuuuuuu

I run up
like somehow I have the upper hand
I can imagine him standing there like ‘how the fuck am I going to explain this?’
so I come up and hes like ‘the fuck happened to your bumper?’
I should have been like ‘uh, you just rear ended my pregnant wife you SOB!’ lol but I was like ‘eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhh eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh (thats me taking huge breaths cause of all the pushing and running) oh that? that bumper was falling off anyway… but thank you so much officer for the push! do you have a captain I can write into and tell them what a great job youve been doing?’
and hes like ‘uhh no… this is way too embarrassing’ and then sped off…

then we sat there alone for a minute
just thanking the lord that the cop that just took off the back of our bumper didnt try to exchange our non-existant insurance policy numbers…
once again, thank you GOD!!
my wife was like ‘should I try to start it and drive us home?’
and im like ‘yeah’
and then it started and we went home…

Crazy huh?!

uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
i hate being lazy
my sister told me to go apply at this motorcycle place in Lathrop
I want to really bad because my psychic told me that she sees me involved with motorcycles…
the problem is, aside from my fascination as a child, im pretty far removed from anything that has to do with motorcycles
but its an omen I feel and im ignoring it
Im aware that im ignoring it and I hate it
its like a slow motion car crash

Also I never called David back
I told him I wanted to do something altruistic with my life and he said call him back next monday…
I havent…
=(

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4 thoughts on “I backed my car into a cop car the other day…

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