I knew this was gonna happen
It was going to get harder and harder to have the discipline
I just got out of the shower and I told my wife to get in
(because its like cracking a safe to get any fucking water thats not either a burn threat or ball retracting ice water)
she said she would later cause she had to do the dishes
I then said ‘ill do them!’ which, had she been able to foresee the future would then understand that that statement was a bit of an exaggeration.
I should have said I will wash enough dishes for my breakfast haha
dick move
one of my blogs, “Logos in the Sky with Dyslexia” I would argue my best thus far
has been DELETED
I have no clue why
well i sort of had a clue why
but wtf, no message saying a violation of TOS
no nothing
just gone
has this happened to anyone else?
kinda fucking weird but maybe its the universe protecting me
thankfully its backed up
so it will have to live on in lore
it was the blog though
(this is to my two followers, which are probably bots)
that has the experience of me going to the palm reader (and one other very explicit event)as of right this moment im on a quest to make iced tea
so far i feel like they should have called it boiled tea later on chilled if your new glass container apparently made for low temps only doesnt crack like a windshield first

I signed up for this numerology site the other day and now im getting emails from them. shits pretty weird. Im almost sure its some massive email generated to thousands of people, but I was reading it while I was hella high and for a moment there I felt like Neo. Im like, whaaaaaaaaaaaaa?
Ill type out some experts
I should know how to screen shot and upload photos by now huh? Maybe ill make that a priority.
Oh also I had my wife sign up for the site so maybe ill just check if shes gettin the same exact emails lol

but anyway check this crazy shit out…

never mind my wife got the same email haha

soooo, some things i want to do today

call David back
call att about fucking POS Note II
work out
write blog
find good organic recipe for tonight’s dinner

(roughly 8 hours later)

well fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck
that didnt go as planned
I didnt accomplish a fucking thing
aint that some BULLSHIT
i have to call David right now though(talking on phone, then smoking, then a few hours later returning)

i just had an idea!
what about a website where you scan everything you buy into your own personal database
and then the website will recommend meals based on the things you have
and it can be like ‘buy syrup and you will add 38 new recipes’
fucking brilliant right?
almost as smart as my 2-Dollar-a-Visit-Gym
you couldnt afford not to go!
itd quickly grow into the godfathers pizza of gyms… irre-fucking-zist-able! (sp?!)
OMG You know whats HI-larious
I found this huge basket of old shit of mine
like old love letters from my first girlfriend
and I found this book that I used to jot down shit
oh and I also found this 17 page short story I wrote as a junior in HS
it was for this competition to see who could write the best short story
and at the time I was obsessed with Salinger
like any lost douchebag right?
and I read all his stories
like I found some torrent with all his stories from Bazaar and the New Yorker
and in my head a short story is like
pretty fucking substantial
so i stay up and write this pretty decent short story
and i go to school and we all exchange stories
and no one votes for mine
cause no one believes I wrote it
I mean, i was an underachiever no doubt
but damn! you think ima lie about a fucking short story?!
the stoner who won wrote some bullshit on a napkin
i was so mad
the teacher didnt even want to investigate either
she just gave me a B+ and called it a day
needless to say I dropped out probably a few days later lol
but i found this notepad from when I worked at Cingular in tech support
and all my notes are in there
it was funny cause i had a friend in the call center who suffered from the same mild retardation as I did
and wed get our laughs from watching each other tell our callers utter bullshit
liked wed just fuck with our calls all day
people would get transferred to us and half the time the tech in the first tier didnt trouble shot shit
they just cold transferred and left
so half the time wed be like ‘maam what i want you to do is ‘hardshock’ your phone’
and the ladyd be like ‘DICKHEAD! I did that already, didnt you read the fucking notes from the last asshole I reamed?’
so wed just fuck with them
like ‘ok maam, i understand, I really do (In my steven stiffler high voice) what I want you to do for me maam- may i call you maam?’
‘ok maam, what i want you to do for me is what we call a “QUANTUM HARDSHOCK”… MUCH different from what the other doufus did. Now Im going to send whats called a “SHOCKWAVE” on MY side, to YOUR phone. Now its very similar to the original hardshock but with a few subtle variations. do you follow me maam?
‘uh yeah i guess…’
‘maam im going to need your full attention. now! please slowly ROTATE your phone, COUNTER clockwise and please slowly count backwards from 10’
then the bitch would inadvertently do some bullshit that fixed the problem and wed LAUGH and laugh.
but anyway inside this binder was all these short stories
or poetry or whatever
and I was so embarrassed! apparently 9 years ago I tried to write some raps down haha
very timely and poignant
something about Shaq missing freethrows like Carnie Wilson misses fridos
I did get some great news today
like fucking GREAT
im not going to say for right now
but im extremely grateful
even after getting good news and being super happy I still find myself being a dick head
I hate it
I really feel bad for the people who have to deal with me lol
I wish I had a recorder with me today while my wife drove us around
Its almost as if, at least from my perception, that she really goes out of her way to drive just… soooo fucking… idk… shit-illy.
we pull up to a stop sign on an open one way street
and as we pull up the closest car is like 8 seconds away
and im like “GO!”
And shes like slowly creeping past the stop sign at a 45 degree angle like shes a relay runner about to get handed that little stupid piece of pvc pipe
her eyes get as big as saucers like shes staring into the sun as she just watches waves of cars about 5 car lengths apart just conveyor belt style just cruise past us
its like a slow speed catastrophe
im screaming in her ear
and she has the laser focus of a chess master
but it happens to be in a vessel of a scarred preteen mind
like that mentality of the little leaguers who is like ‘Dont strike out! Dont YOU fucking strike out!’ like hitting himself on the helmet
his dads up in the stands like texting or playing angry birds
and the fucking pressure is just mounting
Hes like ‘cmon dickhead! dads in the fucking stands! dont fuck this one up!’
and then of course with that pressure your bound to fail
so im after every single car passes “Go… Go… Cmon now, are you fucking with me? Go! Ok you definitely could have made it there! look! 1-2-3-4-5-6-… I literally just counted to 6! 6 seconds in between cars! ok- that guys not even in our lane! Fucking go!’
the vein in my forehead is now beet red and pulsating like fire hose
‘was that the strategy? arrive at the stop sign a decade before the first car of the wave even arrives, and then just wait out the 3 minute onslaught of cars? WAS THAT THE FUCKING STRATEGY?!
and then I catch a glimpse of myself in the passenger side mirror of my 90 ford Taurus and I burst into tears of shame
what the fuck happened here
really dude. wtf man
Ive recently come to the conclusion that if you dont acknowledge that there is a God or some higher power that you should be tap dancing for
Its kind of hard to self regulate yourself
its like when you start reading a self help book with your old lady and youre all amped, like ‘fuck yeah… were getting healthier! what could go wrong?!’
and 2 chapters in shes like, well it says we should make a weekly anger chart
and by the end of the first week youre like ‘FUCK THIS!’
shes printed 4 pages of iphone note screenshots
and your like winging it
‘idk babe, you were a real bitch Tuesday when I asked you to make me a sandwich when you were washing the dishes’
it doesnt fucking work man
you need to outsource the holy opinion of yourself to someone worthy of casting judgement
but sometimes it doesnt matter
thered still be guys like arguing their sins
some of these sociopaths have conviction!
theyd be like
‘St Peter, cmon! A snot nosed child AGGRESSIVELY fires off 6 to 8 nerf shots-rapid fire and at close range I may add!- RIGHT to the nards-3 direct hits!
Cmon Pete
You and I BOTH know Jesus wouldnt stand for that
In my mental rolodex I quickly scrolled through acceptable punishments
Francturing the fibula just seemed rightt (?)
Petey? Right? I mean, we both know Im right!’
Anyway, I think thats it for today
Sorry about it being so many days
actually this blog was started a few days ago
then scrapped cause it was going no where lol
well im going to try to finish IRREVERSIBLE
maybe not
maybe I should read
I just bought two books today btw!
Geometry, Relativity and the FOURTH DIMENSION (I imagine a big hollow echo voice like the GINGIVITIS commercial)
and you know I had to get Edgar Cayces Answers Lifes 10 Most Important Questions for… wait for it… 2 bucks!
I now have like 7 Edgar Cayce books and I dont think Ive ever finished one
But I just love picking them up and randomly reading them lol

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