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HAHAHA OMG HOLY SHIT
Hopefully I just got my yearly major embarrassment out of the way
You know  how nothing is more creepy than someone touching your phone
well image your fucking ipad!!
The cable guy comes by to give me my internet
and this should be a lesson to myself
dont play dumb
im just trying to be nice
and i have no fucking clue why on earth i do this
but sometimes if someone starts telling me somthing I already know, I let them ramble and just nod cause its easier than getting in conversation with the person.
so the cable guy just grabs my ipad
swipes it open
I kind of aggressively grab it
and them im like, uhhhhh, let me enter the pass code for you
THE ONE THING I DID NOT WANT TO DO
my brain was like YES! GOT YOU FUCKER! YOU CANT GET IN WITHOUT MY PASSCODE
and my big dumb plodding body was like DERRRRRRR!!!! CAN I IMPUT THE INFORMATION YOU NEED MOST TO EMBARRASS ME??? DERRRRR!!!!!!!!!
so this guy has my portal to my world of fantasy just sitting in his hand
not to mention my backgound of my ipad is a collage of things that I aspire to be
like a atm reciept for 100 mil. and then new tesla car…. and a dude with a six pack…. yes i know! wtf?! my biggest fear is someone seeing it and accusing me of it being a sexual thing, which it is not. Its just my way of looking at something that I want to have for myself… not like, on top of me lol
so he hooks my ipad up to the internet
but anyway he like “soooo do you know the trick about ipads?”
and in my head im thinking there is ONE trick? or is it one of the many? is it something i already know? but outside of my internal comfort zone, my big dumb human body was like “errr no”
and hes like “well you double click the home button and you can see all your programs running!”
No shit. I knew that like the second week I got my ipad.
But of course I have a million programs running.
So hes like, well, uh, why dont we pull up something in browser and see how fast it pulls up.”
You know that moment when you are drinking and driving and you nearly hit a train. You know that frozen face you have? And how your body just wont move?
That was my reaction as I see this assholes finger lunging towards my internet icon
BAM!
A huge fat naked girl
Instantly the dynamic of our relationship had changed
no longer am I the deep voiced stern customer
now im the blushing crackling voiced pervert
I quickly snatched my ipad back
He said something like “ohh believe me, ive seen MUCH worse”
like listen dickhead im not doubting your an equally big pervo
im just saying, I dont fucking know you bro
we have to have at least shared a 30 pack before we get into the ins and outs of what busts your nuts
I replied with some bullshit like “uhh yeah but uhhh my wife cant know”
how fucking lame
and then he had to go over the channel guide with me for another 15 minutes
talk about uncomfortable
it really wouldnt have been so bad but it was an extremely overweight girl
not that there is anything wrong with that
but in my head i have this idea of who the guy is that looks at BBW porn and idk why but thats just not the energy i want to be projecting out there
Im just so thankful because that could have gone wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy worse
I mean idk what the big deal is
Ill never see this guy again God willing
but I was so embarrassed I had to get rid of embarrassed energy
I couldnt just sulk in it
I had to wake up my wife from her nap and tell her about it just to get off my chest
in fact its so fucking embarrassing that I seem to be writing a blog about it
cmon man
smh

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4 thoughts on “At least i have internet now =/

  1. Funny. I had an incident like that with a new boyfriend who pulled up some super kinky BSDM porn. I found myself going, “Okay, okay. It’s not like I actually want to do that. It’s just like curiosity… like… like.. like… um.” We look at all sorts of stuff.

    However, I really like the mention of the receipt and the car. Often the most embarrassing stuff for me is not sexual.

  2. haha I know, in an ideal world I would be so comfortable with who I am that I could just be like ‘hold on sir, before I let you grab my Ipad I have to do my mandatory porn browser check.’ haha fuck it right? And I totally know what you mean about embarrassing not always being sexual. I always get hella uptight if someone is threatening the image that im portraying to them, ya know? My Taylor Swift ringtone goes off at a job interview. FUCKED!! Like somehow I feel like I can control WHAT people think about WHO I am… lol so dumb.

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